Christmas day I found out that my brother who is 17 in high school is engaged. I should of read that news letter... we get one every year whats going on with us kids and the fam (didn't think that would be in it)
It was hard to hear and comprehend. It was a hard day as it was... going around to all the houses not being able to relax and hoping and hoping that this IVF cycle worked. It was a hard day. It only got better (really harder) I found out yesterday I am going to be a aunt this spring. Yes a aunt! Everyone knew and didn't want to tell me till Cory thought I was ready to hear it. Is there ever a good time... NO!!! Its still processing I don't know what to say to him when I do find the courage/strength to say something. I feel like a horrible sister but I cant find the strength.. so many mixed feelings.. hurt and torn and confused and frustrated.. I don't know what to really feel right now. It is so hard to watch friends get pregnant and now I have to watch my 17 year old brother have a baby in high school! Why? I don't understand why things are the way they are and it is eating me up inside.
That is my little brother! Way to young to be a dad. I love him so much and wanted so much for him, now life will be so different. I want that for all my siblings. I love them all and we all have been through so much growing up I want the best for all them in the future. They deserve it!!!
I have heard it before.. you only go through trials you can handle.... I feel like I am getting weaker as they come and it is so hard to go through another and another... I try to be as positive as I can but my heart - insanity can only take so much. It has been chipped away through the years and this time there isn't much there.
I have asked and asked...
Looked and looked...
Knocked and knocked...
Maybe I was forgotten...
Let me be the first to say...You are not a horrible person. You are a human being and I completely understand. You are human and a woman whom most likely feels like you have done it all the right way such as:Getting married, being stable, ready and able to start a family and for some reason it is not coming as easily as we all expect. I don't think anyone expects to have a difficult time conceiving once you decide that difficult decision of being ready to start a family. It is very hard to watch others around you become pregnant and others that are not ready such as the case with your brother in high school. It is hard to find the courage to congratulate them and tell them how happy you are for them. I know that you are happy, but sadness seems to take over in situations such as this. I think the hardest part is having others feel sad or scared to tell you their exciting news because they don't want to hurt you. Knowing that you are going through a very emotionally difficult time. I know I was in the same situation numerous times. I was the first married on my side and the second married of four on my husbands side. We dated for 5 years before marrying and after one year of marriage we decided we were ready to start a family. However, things did not go as planned. We had trouble after trouble and still to this day I am unsure as to why it took us 4 years to have our first baby. I watched as others married after us and became pregnant within the first months of marriage. 4 babies were born in our immediate family while we struggled. Most of my friends had babies in which I threw their showers while I struggled for a baby of my own. I was always thrilled for them, but could not help feeling a sadness within. Was I a bad person? No, I am a woman, a nurturer and we all long to be mothers. I was thrilled for those embarking on this journey I just had to wonder if I too would experience pregnancy and all. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I know it is for reasons beyond our understanding. The last words I heard from a Dr. were you will never get pregnant...That was the hardest thing to accept. We stopped trying started planning on adopting in our future and later one day we found out we were expecting. TMI: but I did not even have a cycle so I have no idea when we conceived. I am under the impression that I was ready or so I thought, but possibly my children were not ready for their journey on this world. I promise if you stay close to your husband and share your feelings with one another, no matter how your family begins you will be a stronger couple because of it. Your family will be cherished just a little more due to your desire and will to begin the love of a family.
ReplyDeleteyou are most certainly not forgotten. the hardest part of any trial, anything we really want, anything we ask a loving and very wise father in heaven for, it always, always, always is in his timing. never our own. i love you so much. i wish that i could make it all happen for you myself. you and cory will be incredible parents when that blessing comes your way.
ReplyDelete(and it will!)
Oh, Kylee. :( Never forgotten. Never. You are a wonderful wife, daughter, friend, and sister! I can't even imagine what you and your family are going through, but I appreciate that you shared your feelings with us. Your brother will need love and support as he gets a load of responsibiliy earlier in life than most of us. I know that you all will be able to find a way to get through this and the Spirit can make it much easier to find peace and happiness. Please always keep asking and knocking, Kylee. Call me if you want to get together. I work 2 days a week and I'm home the rest of the time!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are hurting. Is it weird that I just want to reach over and give you a hug? First of all, don't you dare feel sorry for venting. You have the right to feel and express your emotion. If you hold it in, you'll eventually blow up.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been trying to have a baby and, due to some health problems, it may never happen. My nephew just recently told us that is wife is pregnant. It's so hard to be happy for someone who so easily gets what you long for most. But the resentment and anger will eat you up. I wanted so badly to not have the pain and anger.
I think it was hard for me to realize that Christ suffered ALL things...for me. He literally knows your pain and frustration. And I don't think someone who hasn't gone thru is can relate. But he can. He loves you and wants the best for you. He wants to take away the pain. Lean on him for support. I didn't know Cory very well in high school but I truly believe that God blesses our spouses with added strength, patience and love to help us thru trials. You can do it. You can overcome. Just from reading your blog posts, which I appreciate so much, I can tell what a wonderful and strong person you are. Thank you for being so honest. It helps those of us who feel like there is no one else out there who is going thru and feeling what we are feeling.